We creatives can romanticize anything. Even abandonment. I told myself for years that I am fine. That I still love my dad although he allowed himself to get swept up in the tidal wave of crack cocaine that swept through the country in the early 80’s. But I cannot continue to intellectualize his addiction and it’s long standing effects on his baby girls. I learned about drugs and its effects on the body, about the cycle of addiction and recovery, even worked in the field for a large part of my professional life thus far. I would attempt to apply those theories and steps to my situation. If I understand it, I can deal with it emotionally, right? Not at all. Knowing, even understanding, does not negate feelings of abandonment.
You left us.
I was eight years old, my sister was four, and my mom was thirty. While we physically left for safety reasons, you left us alone in this world while you chased a high that you would never catch. Now at 35 years old, I sometimes try to think of the situation from my mom’s point of view. To have to leave your husband, your life, to protect your children had to be difficult and devestating. I’m sure she saw her life very differently when she said, “I do.”
You left us.
And there is no romanticizing that. You left us when you supposed to be there. To protect us. To love us. To show us how a man should treat us. Instead, you taught us that men leave. I cannot pretend any longer. You motherfucker you left us! And you had the audacity to call me a few months ago and ask can I pay your rent?! I love you because you are my dad but fuck you because you are a piece of shit. I should have told you when you contacted me for rent money but I was still romanticizing…fuck that and fuck you.
My experience with the absence of my father and subsequently the absence of my son’s father lead to the only logical thing I could do and that is to teach my son to be better so that he can do better and be a better father than his father and mine. My son is awesome, no thanks to either one of these pieces of shit.
Yeah, I said it….and?
But Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers that stayed, that fought/fight for their children, that teach them and love them, that would move hell and high water to protect them, and that are all around awesome. Thank you gentlemen. Take a bow and a break because you’ve earned it.